After divorce, whether you are the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, or even if you have joint custody, your child is going to spend a great deal of time away from you. During those times, you will probably make many phone calls to your child, and she or he will make some calls to you. It is often difficult, and sometimes surprisingly awkward and unsatisfying to try to carry on a meaningful conversation with a child or teenager, even more so when they are in the home of the other parent with whom you may have some disagreements. Children are sensitive to the temperature of adult relationships, and may have some awkward feelings themselves about talking to you on the phone when they are at “the other house.”
But there are simple measures you can take to improve the telephone conversations over time, building a bank of shared memories, stories, and laughter that you can both remember with pleasure. Four measures for improvement are outlined here; many more are possible as you unleash your creativity as a parent.
Set a Positive Climate: Demonstrate Respect for the Other Parent
Even if the other parent does not demonstrate respectful behavior, your child will appreciate your high standards and positive attitude. Begin by setting times to call in advance, and calling on time. It can be frustrating for the parent on the other end, who may have postponed dinner, or be waiting for other phone calls, or even have a dial-up internet service that must wait until after your phone call. Next, ask that your child use the phone in a different room, guaranteeing yourselves privacy, and promise your ex-spouse that you will extend the same courtesy to him or her when he or she is the one calling. Finally, keep your tone light and positive about the child’s experience away from you unless the child brings up unhappy events. Even then, you can show respect for the other parent’s time with your child by encouraging your child to share his or her feelings with the other parent, too.
It is much more reassuring to your child when you say, “I bet you are having fun. I miss you but I’m glad you get a chance to be with your dad for awhile,” or ask, “What was the most fun thing you did today?” rather than using a worried, concerned tone, and asking, “Are you homesick? You are away from home for such a long time this summer, that I thought it might be really hard on you.” It may be hard on the parent when the child is away, but most children are resilient, and unless something is really wrong, they focus on the fun that they have each day, looking ahead about as far as tomorrow or the end of the week. Your positive tone encourages your child, and also relieves him or her of any worry or guilt he or she may have about leaving you behind.
Ask Good Questions
How many of us have experienced that monotone response, a flat “Fine,” from our children when we ask, “How was school today?” or “How was camp?” Instead, learn to ask more specific questions that elicit more descriptive answers. You may have to practice a little, or think ahead and even write down some questions the first few times. Questions such as, “What was the most fun game you played at camp today?” or “What was the weirdest thing you saw on your nature hike today?” or “What are your favorite songs?” usually ensure a much more interesting answer and guarantee some continued conversational fodder. When your child is relaxed, you can ask how things are going in general, and share a little bit of news from your end.
But be sure to stay away from conversation stoppers including comments and questions about the other parent. Not only is it an invasion of the other parent’s right to privacy, now that you are not under the same roof, but it is very awkward and sometimes even scary for your child. What if he or she said the wrong thing and it provoked an argument between the parents? If your child needs or wants to tell you something about a situation at the other house, rest assured that you will hear about it if you make sure that your child knows it is okay to call you. Give your child a few options for different times when it is easy to reach you, but do not be surprised, or offended, if he or she does not call.
Add Some Activities
Because of the omnipresent computer culture and the internet, children and especially teenagers today are surprisingly comfortable with activities and games that take place while the players are in their own homes, and physically separated from each other. With permission of the other parent, you can continue computer games over the phone or internet during the phone call time. Or enjoy the simpler, more traditional pleasures of sharing jokes and riddles, reading aloud, or even playing games from magazines – just make sure that you both have a copy of the same magazine by sending it ahead of time to your son or daughter. Highlights and Ranger Rick are two good choices for children aged six to ten years old.
Plan Future Fun
If you run out of things to ask, hit a lull in the conversation before you are ready to hang up, or sense that your child may be a little bit homesick, you can both get some relief and stay focused on the positive by brainstorming some future activities together, for when your son or daughter is back at your house. Maybe your daughter would like to redecorate her room, so in order to get started before she returns, ask her and discuss with her what her dream room would look like. You can then figure out together what aspects are within the realm of the possible. Plan a trip or an evening out – ask your son or daughter, “What is the first thing you would like to do when you get here?” It is easy to plan for treats and fun in the future, and a little daydreaming can give you both the nourishing mental imagery that lets you stay happier even when you must be apart.
By staying focused on positive, supportive conversation, and looking for ways to enjoy time together, even over the telephone, you give your child a sense of security and love, and you give yourself the gift of good communication with your child.
To learn more, see the following FamilyIQ courses: 
Divorce: Parent Education and Family Stabilization, Divorce: Co-Parent Communication, Divorce: The Initial Hurdles, Surviving Divorce
Author Catherine Knott, Ph.D., teaches Anthropology and Sociology for the University of Alaska on the Kenai Peninsula. She has a Ph.D. in Anthropology, Natural Resources, and Education from Cornell University and a B.A. from Yale University. Catherine has worked in International Development overseas and in the United States for many years. She and her three children enjoy the wilderness, as well as gardening, art, and writing, from their rural home in Alaska.
